Battle of the terrible Calgary Flames playoff anthems (Video)

The Calgary Flames take the ice on Tuesday night to battle the Vancouver Canucks in Game 4 of their Pacific Division semifinal, with the chance to take a commanding 3-1 lead.

Should that good fortune visit the Flames, there would be only one catalyst for it: The incredible playlist of inspiring playoff anthems that have been generated by Calgary fans, artists and radio stations.

But until that playlist is located, please enjoy this collection of ear-bleeding songs inspired by Johnny Hockey, Bob Hartley and the Red Mile. 

It's the battle of the terrible Calgary Flames Playoff Anthems!

“All About The Flames”

Inspiration: Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”

How Terrible Is It? Two talented young ladies dance with a mannequin in a Jonas Hiller mask and attempt to awkwardly shoehorn the word “Canucks” into the chorus. Points for rhyming “time to shine” and “1989.” Points off for the Sedin Sisters joke. Not bad, especially when challenged with creating a song about a Flaming 'C' out of one about butts. 

“Arenas Can’t Hold Us”

Inspiration: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ “Can’t Hold Us”

How Terrible Is It? Produced by 101.5 Kool FM, it’s got a lot going for it in the lyrics and flow … until you get to the “These Arenas Can’t Hold Us” chorus, which sounds like they ran out of ideas just as they got to the title. Unless this is about Gilbert Arenas, in which case all is forgiven. Points off for an untimely song  And using Macklemore, in general. 

“Johnny Hockey”

Inspiration: The swing band whose record you purchased in 1997 but never listened to.

How Terrible Is It? Performed by Dice Deluxe, who apparently think the referee controls the goal light. Points for the reference to “Yahoo,” of course. Points off for everything else, pretty much.

“In Da Dome”

Inspiration: “In Da Club” by 50 Cent, which came out in 2003. 

How Terrible Is It? Virgin 98.5 updates its classic Flames playoff anthem “In Da Dome” as Calgary’s on the hunt for “Lord Stanley’s Stanley Cup” and it’s time to “reboot this timeless rhyme.” Weirdly accuses the Tampa Bay Lightning of “stealing the Stanley Cup” in 2004. Does create the wonderful line, “Your defense is like ‘E-fence,’ where’s the ‘D’?”

“Cowtown Funk”

Inspiration: Bruno Mars, and/or a general disregard for humanity.

How Terrible Is It? Apparently recorded in someone’s bathroom, notable for the clumsy chorus “Cuz Hartley’s Team’s Gonna Give It To Ya” and for pronouncing it “Jir-EEEEEE Hudler.” It also manages to retain about 40 percent of the original song’s lyrics for some ungodly reason.

And finally...

“#Neverquit Flames”

#Neverquit Flames Anthem from Cowtown Opera on Vimeo.

Inspiration: “Funiculi, Funicula” 

How Terrible Is It? Oh, it’s …

…ABSOLULTELY AWESOME.

Opera! Inspirational messages! References to drinking a ton of beer!

This, friends, is a playoff anthem. If … nay, when, the Flames win the Cup, this song from Cowtown Opera must echo through the Dome! “Playoffs/playoffs/blah blah blee blee blah…”

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