Arsenal physio Terry Sminter has admitted that the club's ongoing injury crisis is down to his crippling fear of being alone. Aaron Ramsey, Mikel Arteta and Jack Wilshere all suffered injuries during Arsenal's 1-1 draw against Tottenham, continuing a problem that has plagued the club for years. And now Sminter has confessed to his part in the matter.
"The players are all great lads," Sminter told reporters convened at Arsenal's London Colney training complex for an entirely different reason. "When we're together we have such fun telling jokes at each other's expense. Mostly mine, though. I must admit I'm an easy target, with my ears the way they are and that noise I make when I breathe. We just laugh and laugh. Again, almost exclusively at me. But whenever I say that we should all hang out, like a night on the town chatting up ladies and eating small foods like the kinds they have in television adverts for body spray, they always say they're too busy. And I understand that. Footballers have busy, amazing lives that I often dream about having for myself. But since we can't hang out in public fun zones, I do what I can to make sure they spend as much time as possible with me in the physio's room. I don't like when they get hurt, but I do like when we laugh about my asymmetrical chin together. And if they have to be hurt for us to do that together, then so be it."
Arsenal have endured a total of 741 injuries over the last decade, which is 90 more than Manchester United and 243 more than Chelsea, according to PhysioRoom.com data compiled by Project Babb. Though this has caused the club frustration and a reputation of fragility, it has brought Sminter a degree of personal fulfillment.
"Over the years I've convinced the players that yawns count as stretching and sleeping with weights on your legs will make them stronger," the physio added. "Remember when Antonio Reyes had his wisdom teeth out in 2006? His teeth were fine. I just wanted someone to play Jenga with. Abou Diaby and I have watched every episode of Doctor Who twice. I'm sorry if that's harmed the club. That was never my intention. But what am I supposed to do if everyone is healthy all the time? A man can only take several thousand pictures of himself crying just to know he definitely exists before the memory on his phone is full. Even if it doesn't have any contact numbers in it."
It's unclear whether Arsenal will sack Sminter in light of this revelation, but he feels he still has much to offer the club.
"No other physio can finish the 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle I started with Jack Wilshere or convince Olivier Giroud that eating coins will make him run faster," Sminter concluded. "I think trouble on the pitch is a small price to pay for lasting memories in the physio's room. And isn't that what football is really all about?"
This has been Future News: news from the future.
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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter! Follow @BrooksDT
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